Top Ten List: Why I Was a Bad Criminal

The truth is, I was a bad criminal: sloppy, careless, greedy, sorely lacking in all the skills that make for a good criminal. I wasn't devious enough.  Nor was I cautious. I was also overcome by remorse and guilt soon after stealing the cash.  A good criminal must be hardhearted and welcome wrongdoing with open arms. He must think clearly and always stay one step ahead. I did what I did as if in a dream, stumbling and bumbling. While I can remember everything, when I look back it seems as if I'm watching another person. 

The fact is, I have no one to blame buy myself for getting caught.  I would give credit where credit is due, but I was not caught through good police work or the oligarch's vigilance. I was caught because I screwed up, got greedy and tried to take more, even though more was the last thing I wanted or needed. If I didn't know better, I'd say that I was doing it for the thrill and really wanted to be caught. 

These thoughts nagged at me at first after my wrongdoing came to light.  I blamed myself for my stupidity, considered all the 'what if's'.  Not any more.  Although I would gladly take back what I did, I'm actually glad that I got caught. Getting caught helped me to turn my life around and live honestly once again. Getting caught helped me get sober. Getting caught made me realize how deluded I was. Getting caught helped me recognize my weaknesses and failings.

I did wrong and I have been more than ready for a long time to pay the consequences.  What I most regret is the pain I caused to people close to me.

So now, as these top ten lists have proved popular, I decided to come clean with my stupidities in this wholly factual but partially tongue-in-cheek list: 

Top Ten Reasons Why I Was a Bad Criminal

1. Incriminating evidence: I left piles of incriminating evidence in my office and at home, modern-day treasure maps, that led investigators straight to the buried treasure.  Good criminals don't do this.

2. Forged Documents: I did not compare forged signatures to the originals or try to make them look the same.  I was lazy and sloppy and my forgeries look like shit.  Good criminals are careful and sneaky.

3. Blabber mouth: I told people what I had done. Good criminals keep their mouths shut.

4. Greed:  Not satisfied with my first theft, I went back to the very same place for more. Every good criminal knows you should never hit the same place twice.

5. Sloppy work: the documents I prepared were full of inaccuracies and mistakes, leading people to question them. Good criminals are careful and sneaky.

6. Transfers to the U.S.: my crime was committed entirely abroad.  The U.S. would not have had jurisdiction if I had not transferred a bunch of the money for no good reason through a bank in San Francisco. Good criminals know the law and use it to their advantage.

7. Lies upon lies: I continued to tell lies even after my scheme was discovered.  I should have come clean sooner and tried to lessen the harm.  The fact is, I wanted to - I felt tremendous guilt and remorse - but I was scared.  Good criminals keep their mouths shut - they don't lie or tell the truth.

8. Spending the loot: the cash burned a hole in my pocket and I spent it on stupid, frivolous things.  I should have saved it untouched and continued to live my regular life or, at the least, tried to assuage my guilt by doing some good with it.  Good criminals hide their newfound wealth.

9. Hubris: I thought the victim, the oligarch, if he ever found out, would shrug it off and leave me alone. Good criminals don't underestimate their adversary.

10. Delusion: Because I hated the victim, I convinced myself that I deserved what I took, that I was some sort of modern-day Robin Hood, that I was doing it all for my family. How wrong I was. Good criminals don't let their feelings rule their actions.

And in line with past lists, one more for good measure:

Foggy Brain: My crime was fueled by my addiction and, though at the time I thought I was thinking clearly, looking back I feel like I'm watching a bad scene from Cheech & Chong. Good criminals think clearly and soberly in order to stay one step ahead of anyone who might be on to them.