But I'm proud that I was able to honestly address everything that's happened and to avoid the sugar coating that tends to creep into many memoirs I read. And this is a story of redemption, which always helps to lessen the pain, a little like finding light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
Please take the advice I am about to give with a grain of salt. Writing is highly personal, memoir writing particularly so, since we all have our own unique stories to tell. I don't hold myself out as an expert. Though I have received a ton of positive feedback and interest from agents, my memoir is still not published and - who knows? - may never be. But I am optimistic that eventually it will find its place on the shelf.
With that said, here's the advice:
1. Honesty, Honesty and More Honesty.
This is the key to writing a good memoir. Don't sugarcoat. Set things out as you remember them. Examine your memories, twist them and pull them, try to recall as best you can. Be faithful to your memories and your feelings. Seek others out who were around to see if your memory matches theirs, go through old documents. If you kept a journal, read it carefully.
If you plan to gussy things up to make them more interesting or to invent scenes, then just stick to fiction, since that is what you are really writing. Every life is interesting and deserves to be told. There is no need for invention, which is a disservice to yourself and, more importantly, to your readers, who, when picking up a memoir, are expecting a version of the truth.
Why do I say 'a version of the truth'? Anyone who has written a memoir, or tried to, realizes that memory can be a slippery thing. You may remember something one way, someone else at the very same event may remember it differently. It can be extremely difficult (if not impossible) to remember every word of dialogue spoken in a conversation. And truth can be selective as well based upon what we choose to emphasize and highlight.
So tell your truth as best you can. There is no right and wrong other than to invent things for the sake of the story that you know did not really happen. It is your story. Tell it how you want, highlighting the events that you think further the narration and tell the story you want to be told.
2. Write for Yourself First, for Others Later.
I must admit that when I set out to write my memoir I initially violated this rule. When I sat down and began to write I was writing for my children. I wanted them to have access to my story later, when they are adults, in order to better understand the things that I did that affected them, hurt them.
And while this may be an admirable goal (and one, in fact, that I never fully let go of), I quickly realized that I needed to write the memoir for myself, without ulterior motives. The problem with ulterior motives is that they tend to distort our vision, causing us to highlight certain things over others as we play to an unseen audience. By writing to my children I wasn't being wholly honest to myself, telling the story that I wanted to be told. I was writing what I thought they'd later want to hear. So though I do still hope that at some point in their lives they sit down and find fulfillment in my memoir, I wrote it for myself first of all, for them later.
There are many unseen audiences that authors play to, not just children as in my case: book buyers, loved ones, colleagues, the marketplace. And while it doesn't hurt to keep in mind these various audiences as you set about your work, don't play to them or you will do yourself a disservice. It's your life and your story after all.
3. Memoir Writing is Therapeutic.
Before I began to write my memoir I was a mess: a recovering addict, exiled from my family and my former life, consumed by guilt, struggling to survive despite all the pain I had caused others.
I wish I could say that writing my memoir was a magic elixir that turned everything around. It didn't. I am still an addict who struggles with his sobriety, still kept apart from my children.
But it was part of a process and, by the time I reached the last word on the last page, I was a better person, more at peace with my actions, better able to understand what I had done and why. I tend to compartmentalize, block out painful memories as I continue blithely about my life. Memoir writing forced me to open up those compartments and think about them, about my actions. I understand that not everyone is like me, prone to compartmentalization or rationalization, but I firmly believe that memoir writing has as many therapeutic values as there are writers. Are you shy and reticent? Writing a memoir can help you find your voice. Troubled by past actions? Writing will help you think through them.
That said, writing is not a panacea. And it can be very painful. Multiple times when writing my memoir I drove myself to tears. And, of course, writing all about me, me, me can be a narcissistic exercise if you don't broaden out your account to encompass others.
But, at least for me, writing my memoirs helped turn my life around. And I highly recommend it to others.
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